randomly in vancouver

Is this what it all comes down to?

2007-04-26T01:13:00.000-07:00

I know I know - my so called "comeback" kinda sucked. sorry. but exams hit, and then papers, and then summer planning...yeah yeah. But on Friday, I wrote my last law school exam. EVER. EVER!!!! No more studying til 3 am and waking up to write 9 am 3 hour long 100% finals. As they said about genocide: NEVER AGAIN.

So why am I up, you're asking yourself? Well, I still have one more paper to write. So I'm not officially done until Friday. And though this paper is interesting, it sucks that I have to write it. But as I'm working on this, I'm realizing that academia really is just intellectual masturbation. I'm writing this paper on decriminalizing sadomasochism (bet you didn't know you were breaking the law when your lover ties you up to those bed posts eh? apparently, as individuals, we are not allowed to consent to harm - so when you say "Oh spank me Harry!" the fact that you are asking is irrelevant. Harry's still criminally liable. sucks to be Harry) When I met with my prof (who i'm kinda scared of), she suggested that I examine why we should decriminalize S+M and NOT other criminalized sexual acts such as pedophelia, incest, or bestiality. So I set out to do just that. and then, just now, i wrote: "Bestiality should be criminalized because animals cannot consent to sexual activity and as a result are sexually assaulted." really. is this what 3 years of law school amounts to? arguing against letting people sodomize that poor goat? please tell me that it does not comes to this. oh but it has. i'm so leaving the sentence in.

Feeling: so close yet oh so far
Listening to: Paul Simon - Diamonds on the Souls of Her Shoes AND Feist - My Moon My Man

the pressure. oh the pressure

2007-02-11T01:39:00.000-08:00

So i clicked on my blog by mistake (it's on my bookmarks sidebar - oh firefox, how i love thee) and saw that I had a comment on my comeback post. thanks J for the pressure. now that i know that i have at least one loyal reader, i shall endeavour to update more often.

the comeback has been slow. my apologies. my life has been unsettling lately. a trip to geneva planned for reading week, and yet no job upon graduation. and with the interviews that i've had, it looks like i will have to move in order to survive in this overpriced city.

on the other hand, i just watched Dirty Dancing. i had forgotten how great this movie is. and that song in the end "you're the one thing, i can't get enough of." but really, what makes the movie is patrick swayze strutting into the room in the end saying "nobody puts baby in a corner." oh patrick. be still my heart. it also reminds me of being in grade 4 (or so) and talking to Mary Bekaris about watching Dirty Dancing (on TV of course) and how the dancing was dirty, and she thought it wasn't. who knew that a prudish child would yield me?

one other note: i found out i'm a good sewer! well, i'm ok. i'll explain after valentine's day, after my valentine has received it. hee hee.

listening to: I've had the time of my life - from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack
feeling: nostalgic.

the comeback

2007-01-18T23:49:00.000-08:00

I've decided to launch a comeback. it's been a while yes. but i figure now that i now have wireless, meaning that I spend large amounts of time on my couch online, it's a good reason to start blogging again.

i have some great classes this semester (no, i'm not referring to family or corps), but in fact, i am taking a class on sexual assault, which i lovingly refer to a rape class. which only makes sense because it is all about rape. but the problem is when I'm on the phone and tell my friend while on the street that i'm going to rape class, people on the sidewalk, i've noticed, take a second look at me.

speaking of rape class, we were talking about how men benefit from sexually assaulting women. now. as interesting as that sounds from a social and psychological viewpoint, it was hard for me to not ask in class: "are you serious? who cares how they benefit?! just tell them to stop!"

academia. geez.

feeling: ready to write again
listening to: travis - love will come through

release

2006-05-24T00:46:00.000-07:00

i went to my first yoga class today since we parted, and all throughout the practice i couldn't stop thinking of you. after seeing you yesterday, i missed you. i miss the way you smell. and the way you would hold my arm when you fall asleep. and all those things i missed just kept looping in my head throughout practice. i felt so sad and emotional. we did camel, and in opening my chest, i thought that breathing would make me disintegrate into a million pieces. i kept telling myself: "focus on your breath, and let it all out with each exhale" at the end when we were in the last pose where we lie down, I started sobbing. i got up to go to the washroom and my instructor gave me a hug, and i just couldn't stop bawling. and so there we stood, at the back of the room with 35 people lying down, me in her arms as i cried into her shoulder. the only sound being the sound of my tears and her murmurring into my ear "let it all out. let it go".

after class, she told me that we store a lot of our emotions in the hips. and with all the hip openers we do in yoga, it is rather common for people who go through emotional upheaval to have such a strong emotional response. to have that release.

and tonight. i realized. it's time to let you go. all this time since we've been apart, i was still holding on. you may have left months ago, but i was still holding on. even after we ended it and you had found someone new. i was clinging onto my expectations of us. of you. to the idea of us. holding onto you. i see that now.

all that has passed between us. it doesn't matter. we were our own undoing. i see that now. i pushed and you pulled. we were unfair the each other. no one's the blame and everyone's to blame. but i'm thankful for the experience. to know that i am possible of loving someone. and i'm thankful to have shared that time of my life with you. you have changed my world. i spent 9 months thinking of you. caring for you. looking to you for happiness. trying to do right by you. i know i'll still miss you.

and just as heartbreak is so literal, i'm hoping release is too.

it's time to let you go.

old habits

2006-05-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

last week, i cut the string to the balloon (see balloons). and i know that it's floated away. possibly, it floated away long before i cut the string. so why do i feel the urge to keep checking if it's still there? i need my emotions to get with the program.

time to move on.

feeling: frustrated
listening to: Serena Ryder - Brand New Love

Funny how life works...

2006-05-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

When i was 12, i thought i knew everything. and the older i get, the more i realize that i know nothing. and everytime, just when i think i have everything figured out, it's as though i lose control of my world. serves me right, i suppose, for being so presumptuous. it's been a while since i've faced such adversity, and never before of this type. it sucks.

Summer officially began for me on March 20, 2006 at 1 pm. And since then, there have been many a decision to be made. relationship stuff. career stuff. life stuff. stuff. so much stuff. and for those of you who know me well, know that this meant a lot of soul searching. deconstructing catherine, you could say. and this process usually takes a toll on me. the questioning, hitting the bottom, and coming to accept my findings. acceptance has been the hardest part. accepting that i may never understand. that some things have no solution. that they cannot be rationalized. that sometimes you have to give up for your own good. that my best might not be enough. accepting that sometimes, things just don't work no matter how many stars you wish on or how hard you try. that it simply is just unfair and you gotta suck it up. that it's ok to fail. that i need to breathe. i'm learning to let go - of emotions, certain hopes and realities, roles... but with endings also comes beginnings. or so one can hope...

And while i have been gloriously unemployed (!), i have also been freaked out of my mind that i am unemployed. so i set out to find a job. first it was applying to restaurants. rather audacious, given my sales pitch was "while i have no formal training or experience, i love to cook and thus will be a great addition to your team." yeah. not so successful.

then, i decided that enough was enough and it was time to use my connections. much more successful that way. i was promptly offered an internship with a NGO in geneva. a little european getaway would do me good. go me. of course, as soon as this happens, there is a posting for my dream job - working for a criminal defense firm. good god. talk about decision making. so i applied. i had to. and now i have an interview on tuesday. i spend hours upon hours in the fall looking for a firm job with no success at all. and now at the 11th hour (i was 1 hour away from confirming my ticket to europe) i get an interview with a criminal law firm. go figure. some backpedalling with the NGO proceeds.

it's been a crazy few days. sad days, disappointing days, heartbreaking days. but each day is getting a little better. a little easier. a little brighter. the wrist slitting music has lessened in rotation. i'm learning to face my new reality with a little more courage and a little more hope. becoming more productive again. things to do, people to meet, visits to look forward to. and possibly, just possibly, a dream job. with a little jet-setting if it doesn't work out. i think i'm gonna be ok afterall.

feeling: barely breathing...but the wind is slowly coming back
listening to: damien rice - silent night + serena ryder - hiding place + cat power - good woman + radiohead - creep. on repeat.

secret agent woman

2006-04-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

there are times when i feel like i'm living a double life. and i'm caught in between the two. this is one of those times.

i've always worked hard to make sure that i know where my ducks are going to fall: all in one row, all facing west. and now i feel like i have no idea where anything is falling, but falling they are.

i want to know what i want. and not hurt anyone in my pursuit of it. i want to be honest. and be true - to you and to me. i want to be accepted. and loved no matter what. i don't to question anymore. i just want to love. and not lose. and be satisfied.

feeling: a little e-mo
listening to: joseph arthur - in the sun

4 things

2006-03-27T23:49:00.000-08:00

I saw this on Danyel Smith's blog, Naked Cartwheels and thought it was a cool idea. Plus, it's exam season, so we all know what that means...yes, people, AN INCREASE IN PROCRASTINATION!! Woot!

So here's my list of 4 Things:

4 jobs I’ve had

1. Snap repair person for my dad's company (basically, at the age of 13, my father hired me to use this thingy in his warehouse to reinforce the snap buttons of shop coats)
2. Piano Teacher
3. Retail Sales at a sporting goods store
4. Administrative Assistant at a corporate law firm

4 DVDs I can keep watching

1. Pretty Woman
2. March of the Penguins
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. In the Mood for Love

4 places I wish I had [or intend to] live[d]

1. Paris, France
2. Manhatten, NY
3. somewhere along the Cote D'Azure (pretty much anywhere along the Meditteranean)
4. Barcelona, Spain

4 TV shows I watch

1. Six Feet Under
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. (shamefully) America's Next Top Model
4. The L Word

4 places I’ve traveled

1. Hong Kong
2. Vatican City
3. Alexandria, Egypt
4. Jerusalem, Israel

4 websites I visit daily

1. New York Times
2. Google (or I would know nothing!)
3. The Guardian
4. Hey Loopy Loopy

4 foods I love

1. the sush
2. lamb poopsicles at Vij's
3. Pan-seared foie gras
4. my mom's onion roast duck

4 early musical influences

1. George Michael/Wham!
2. Prince
3. Michael Jackson
4. Madonna

4 bloggers I’m nudging
1. Hey Loopy Loopy
2. A Chinaman of Average Intellect
3. Dirty Bird
4. and that's about it for personal bloggers

ok - enough for now. time to get back to work.

feeling: alright
listening to: Damian Rice

now

2006-03-14T22:10:00.000-08:00

i read this last night:

"What you are is what you have been, what you will be is what you do now."

just be

2006-03-14T00:35:00.000-08:00

the past couple of months have been challenging for me, feeling somewhat lost in life, floundering, in a way. I lost all motivation to do work, questioned my relationship til no end (and drove myself insane at times), stopped doing anything physical, ate crap and at bad times, and basically let myself float through the procedures of life. my worst fear occurred: I became complacent and ambivalent. I even went to a therapist. and it was there that I had a revelation. when she was suggesting that i return, I realized that:

1. my life ain't that bad. actually it's pretty great.
2. i can't control everything. I can only do my best.
3. this too, shall pass

and then *poof*: i got some perspective and slowly but surely, my motivation is returning. I went to my first yoga class in 3 weeks today. it was brutal. i know my shoulders and chest will be aching tomorrow. but it's gonna rock. as the weather gets nicer, i'm planning on busting out the bike.

i think i needed those months of questioning, and while i spent a lot of time questioning and very little time getting any answers, it was therapeutic. I learned some things about myself - like that i'm neurotic, but only because i care so much. That i can love without absolute need. that i need to communicate and trust that i can. that i don't really know what i want to be when I grow up, but that's ok. that there is such a thing as too much compromise. that i may never know all the answers.

and so, armed with this newfound knowledge, I embark on my quest for the next 5 weeks til the end of exams, to accompish this heavy task of to-dos:

1. wake up before 9 every day (unless there's a sleepover involved)
2. eat at regular mealtimes
3. finish my paper by April 5
4. start reading federalism
5. stop reading 50 times into every single thing, and then have a circular conversation in my head
6. do yoga at least 3 times a week
7. trust myself more
8. trust my relationship more
9. be more friendly (try being a "hi" whore)
10. procrastinate less
11. eat out less and cook more
12. be thankful for the things that make me happy and have the discipline to not stress over the things i can't control
13. stop clinging to who i think i "should be" or who "i am" and just be.

and so that is my new mantra: just be

*deep breath*

ready? you bet.

feeling: reflective
listening to: Joseph Arthur - In the Sun

falling for someone = chocolate?

2006-03-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me the other day how long the balloon and I have been together, and I realized that we have almost been together for 6 months. Not a ridiculously long period of time, i know, but still a milestone for me. kind of like a personal best. it's been 6 months of "new" for me - lots of transition and growth; learning my needs and wants; learning how to communicate. it's been difficult at times; taken some time to get into some sort of a rhythm - but i don't think i've ever liked anyone else as much as this balloon (see balloons), or have been as emotionally invested. this is the longest relationship i've ever been in, and after 6 months, i still get butterflies :)

and while i know that if this relationship were to end (though i would be devastatingly crushed), i'll survive and that I would learn to be happy again (i was capable of being happy before, right?). but there's a way in which this relationship has changed me; has made me richer, more courageous, and more honest with myself. I figure it's a lot like discovering chocolate:

before i ever had chocolate, i was fine. in fact, i was great. i was happy with candy and ice cream, playing with my Mr. Potato Head on the couch. but then, one fateful day, i had chocolate. and it was amazing. i mean, i had heard from my friends that it was amazing, and not that i doubted them, but i had no idea that it was THAT amazing. so amazing that i had no idea how i had lived without it before. and now i want chocolate everyday. and i can't go back or remember what life was like before i discovered chocolate.

ok - so chocolate doesn't necessarily make me more honest with myself, but you get the gist. and i can remember my life 8 months ago before i met this balloon, but i like my life better now with the string tied onto my wrist :)

listening to: Postal Service - Be Still My Heart

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T21:19:00.000-08:00

OK - so today is that day that exists purely for commercial value. as shay and i drove along Georgia watching business men buy flowers in a crazed frenzy, I realized that this is the first time that I've had someone to actually celebrate Valentine's Day with. and I have to admit - it's kinda nice. but really, just an excuse to spend some together, which is nice anyway.

I leave for LA tomorrow to finally meet this neice of mine. very excited to be in the warmth of the sun - topped with knowing that my sweetie will miss me. so for now, things are pretty good (except for the fact that my coffee table is too high and that I have no motivation to do work).

Feeling: content
Listening to: Al Green - Let's Stay Together

spidey-sense

2006-02-01T19:51:00.000-08:00

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		90%
Iron Man		75%
Robin		70%
Superman		70%
The Flash		65%
Green Lantern		65%
Supergirl		57%
Hulk		55%
Catwoman		50%
Wonder Woman		42%
Batman		35%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

wanna go to the park?

2006-01-22T02:13:00.000-08:00

i like going to the park. the park is fun, and good times are had by all at the park. and I wanna go to the park with you. and while you may think that you want to go to the park and you tell me that you wanna go to the park with me, you have these little doubts about going to the park with me. Will I go and play with other kids? Will I abandon you halfway there? Will I pick on you when we get there? Will I throw a tantrum and stalk off blaming you? And these are all valid concerns because they are really rather natural, and others may have done this to you when you went to the park with them.

and so because of these doubts, you don't know what to do. and while you still want to go to the park, and you wanna go with me, your fears take over, and you start dragging your feet. and I could cajole you into coming with me, or i could drag you there, and I could even carry you there, but I don't want that. I want you to come to the park with me - certain that I am who you want to go with - hand in hand, chatting happily as we go. and we'll have fun when we get there. I'm sure of it.

so here's the thing. you need to figure out if you wanna go to the park with me. The park will always be there, and so will I. you just let me know when you want to go, and I'll be there holding out my hand.

listening to: The Truth - Handsome Boy Modelling School ft. Roisin

Prince sigh

2006-01-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

I was on the bus, going to school today listening to Suess the iPod, and I figured out that the top 5 Prince songs of all time, in descending order are:

1. 7 (how can you not love a song that has lyrics like this: "they stand in the way of love and we will smoke them all. with an intellect, and a savoir-faire. no one in the whole universe will ever compare"
2. Cream
3. Kiss
4. 1999
5. When Doves Cry

Honourable Mentions: Let's go Crazy, When u were mine, Purple Rain

if Prince was taller, I'd totally fall for him. so hot.

My life could be a HBO special!

2005-11-30T13:05:00.000-08:00

i just had an msn convo with my dear friend zee, who is currently in Israel on her way to becoming doctor extraordinaire. we met in uni and partied away our days together. In our youth (almost three years ago) we emailed each other as we embarked on our prospective futures - me to London and her to Israel, off to learn how to save the world in our own ways, talking about starting some medical-legal foundation.

And this is why I miss her so dearly:

ME: When do you start your rotations in New York?
Zee: This summer actually!
ME: Really? I might be spending my summer there - applying to a bunch of NGOs
ZEE: we'll do it up! I see tax law hasn't killed the heart of social justice
ME: If anything, it's planted me firmly in the public interest domain. OF course, we'll do it up! I expect nothing less. ahhh...zee and peanut doing up the town together again
ZEE: our lives are like some hbo special man. your romance has pushed it from abc afterschool special to showtime baby
ME: LOL. well - in addition to your sexual/bar exploits ;)
zee: with the jewboys. god the tv execs would have a fit
ME: That's why we would have to go with showtime. we WOULD make a good documentary though - especially if we ever end up starting that foundation.
ZEE: that's in season 4 ! ha!

Ah - good times.

feeling: slightly nostalgic
listening to: The Stones - Paint it Black

huh

2005-11-19T01:01:00.000-08:00

i've noticed that i've started saying 'huh' a lot when someone tells me something interesting or unexpected. it's not a judgmental "huh", but more like noting an observation - more of a "huh. really?" or a "huh, i never thought of it that way." it's kinda cool, but strange nonetheless that i would begin using this. Usually, there's a pedigree to my sayings - some more common ones include:

"some people's kids" - shu
"make a move" - rosa
"good god" - weekend at kat's cottage
"and we're off - like a pack of turtles" - kat
"yeah yeah yeah" - mike
"yikes" - gillian
"right, right" (while nodding head thoughtfully) - i think that's just a wong thing or so i'm told by my sister-in-law

but "huh" - no pedigree. completely organic. anyway, it's rather useful. like "huh, exams are upon us soon", or "huh, never thought of roasting garlic before mashing it with mash potatoes" (highly recommended by the way). or like when susanne told me that she liked cilantro with her pasta. huh. (see? not judgmental, but just "hmmm. interesting"). not really sure why i felt the need to share that. in some way it bothers me that i've picked up another idiosyncrecy, but meh, i figure i haven't pushed past the annoying threshold yet.

i've just finished 2 weeks of visitors *phewf*! Don't get me wrong, i love these people dearly, but not the best timing. My mom came, and the poor woman had to deal with me stressing out because my computer broke down (don't ask) and then i realized exams were in three weeks, and she was there. my mom was here. who else was i going to freak out at? she was such a sweetheart - she just cooked and bought stuff for me :) i now have a freezer full of braised soy pork, dumplings, strip loin, and ginger soy chicken. my mom rocks.

and sarah (aka ms. prentice) was here for the past two days. revisited old times, watching oprah and going out for some awesome food. she was a total trooper as I was 30 minutes late picking her up AND we had to take a detour from dinner last night as su got into a car accident and needed a pick-up. as miss sarah is a fantastic and professional cook, she made me the most wonderful meal tonight, complete with salmon, squash, mash, asparagus, and this kick-ass molten lava chocolate cake. she rocks too :)

so now with the visitors come and gone, i have no excuse but to study. *sigh* i warned my sweetie yesterday about my exam personality - I'm not quite myself with the added pressure, so i might freak out - don't take it personally. first major hurdle...will we make it through exams? i think so. for the first time in my life, I have faith in a relationship. huh.

feeling: pretty good except for that weight that kind of sits constantly upon my shoulders. or like shay described it: like the tv hasn't really been turned off.
listening to: Ben Folds Five - The Luckiest

balloons

2005-11-17T00:40:00.000-08:00

guru shay and i were talking a few weeks ago about dropping this whole law thing and writing a book about relationship advice (you know, because both of us have such amazing track records. who wouldn't want to ask two asian chicks who are slightly neurotic and quasi-melodramatic, disillusioned with their profession, with expensive shopping habits and ridiciulously high standards for relationship advice?). we came up with this fabulous idea when we realized that we are amazing at creating brilliant analogies when analyzing relationships. the working title is:

Learning relationships through understanding fashion, war, medicine, vegetarianism and balloons.*

The balloon analogy goes like this:

When you know that you are going to see someone you really really like, possibly even love, it's like you're walking around all day with this balloon tied to your hand full of hope and excitement. and when they don't show up, it's a if someone has taken a pin and pricked the base near the knot, so that it doesn't pop right away. Rather, you watch as the air lets out, minute by minute, as you go through the phases of less hope to uncertainty, to being annoyed to outright frustration to insecurity. until finally, the balloon has no air, there may be tears, and you fall asleep. But then you see that person again, or hear from them, and slowly but surely, the balloon fills up again.

The moral of the story? try to not get too attached to the air in the balloon, but cherish the fact that you have a balloon in the first place because it has the power to make you happy. when that stops, it's time to cut the string.

we're good, aren't we? this book is so gonna rock!

*see previous posts for the fashion, war and medicine analogies. the vegetarian analogy needs approval from guru shay before it's posted.

i can do this

2005-10-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

I am, yet again, procrastinating. to the point that I'm actually updating my blog. and i don't have much to blog about, except that I am procrastinating. so i'm blogging about procrastination. see the vicious cycle?

I am trying to finish my immigration assignment that's due tomorrow. It's not particularly long (2500 words), and it's actually rather interesting. but I feel this pressure to perform in this class, because it is my boss who is teaching it. not that i'm paranoid that she'll fire me if I do poorly in the class, but everytime she asks a question in class, she looks at me. it's kind of scary because 99/100 times, I don't know the answer. but 2500 words! I wrote that in a 2 hour period when it was crunch time writing my dissertation. I can do this.

must stop:

googling lyrics
googling my crim clinic mentor
googling my friends
calling my family (yes, i'm that desparate)
reading my friend's blogs (and check the links they have)
reading opinionista (which is fabulous)
downloading music
checking out cheap prices for a new monitor
looking up places to stay in bowen island
checking out cheap flights for a flight to london that I definitely cannot afford
looking up internships for the summer
daydreaming about "cheese"

so I finally called x place of work to find out why i didn't get an interview. I thought i was an ideal candidate since they did primarily immigration and criminal law and chalked up the whole thing to my marks not being strong enough. THEN! I found out that two of my friends got interviews who's marks were not as strong as mine! I was a bit miffed. Now don't get me wrong, i love these people and are happy for them (even if one of them became a bit smug about the whole thing) but I was a bit surprised (this place obviously didn't get the memo about me being vintage YSL either. maybe i should just put it on my resume under "awards and distinctions" - especially good since I don't have any actual awards or distinctions) Anyway, I called them and they called back and left a message saying that I was "on the cusp" of being offered an interview. and while my marks were great, they were not as strong as the competition. so that's the story they're going with. and it's not like i can call them back and say "you liar! I know that people with worse marks than me got interviews! Bi-otch!" no, i'm not bitter or petty. and yes, in my world, everything is personal.

feeling: restless
listening to: Rufus Wainwright

lightbulbs going off!

2005-10-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

It's strange how things change and you don't realize it until it just suddenly dawns on you. I was talking to shu the other day, and she asked me "are you happy?" and I thought for a split second and realized, "Yes, I'm happy." what a wonderful revelation. and this is despite receiving 35 rejection letters and thinking that I'm completely unemployable. wow. i chalk it up to all the kisses i've been getting recently. Yup, first base rocks!

and I've realized that I am super neurotic...to the point where I worry that things are going too well. stupid, i know, but I go through vaccination periods. Think of it like the flu shot: give the relationship a mini-flu to prevent the big massive influenza. Or, if you want to think in IR terms, we are launching a pre-emptive strike before there is a full-out war. But then again, I should learn from the Shrub - pre-emptive strikes tend to cause wars and loss of civilian life and the bombing of hospitals, even if I stand to gain a lot of oil (so does that mean that feelings would be hurt unnecessarily, but there could be great make-up sex?). I think i've lost the analogy...

and while we're on the up and up, i got an email on friday offering to publish my dissertation. in the words of guru shay: "can i getta boo-yah?!" I am going to be a published author. yay me! granted, it's a start-up academic journal, but hey, publishing is publishing. let's not get too persnickity.

feeling: FAB-U-LOUS!
listening to: Dave Matthews Band - Crash into Me

What's love?

2005-10-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

I came to a realization of sorts about over a year ago: (I thought at the time) "I'm 23 and I've never been in love" - things haven't changed much since then...

so, dear readers, here's the question to you: how do you know that you're in love? (I feel like I just had a Carrie Bradshow moment). I mean, what if you're looking for it, and all the while, you're don't know that it's in front of you? (I'm not saying that I'm in love, but in the words of the fabulous Madonna: "falling deeper and deeper.)"

menzies and mah and i were talking about it the other night. My theory is that love is when you have perpetual giddiness. Like a crush that never ends. at least, that's what I've been waiting for (as apparently, has menzies and mah. of course, we've spent much of our lives being single, so maybe we've got it wrong). usually, the crush ends as soon as there is some inkling of commitment or reciprocation. or the crush never comes to anything at all. of course, the problem with my theory is that you never knew that you were in love until that crush ends. most people say that that state of perpetual crush is impossible. so does that mean that people are settling? I would like to think that they are, but maybe it's just the hopeless romantic in me.

for the first time in my life, i have ended up with a crush. and the crush is still there AND the crush is reciprocated! mind you, it's early days yet...but is that what's left...waiting for the other shoe to drop? I look at you sometimes and think: "Can i trust you? will you hurt me? or even worse, will i hurt you?"

god. when did become so neurotic?!

mood: retrospective
listening to: Modern English: I Melt With You

are we dating?

2005-09-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

I just realized that the whole interview process is very much like dating. but more formal:

There's the whole insecurity thing: do i dare put myself out there? well I'll never know, so here's my application
There's the passive - aggressive thing: we sell ourselves, the firm sells themself, we get invited to dinner, we don't hear anything afterwards
There's the potential of the asshole: self-explanatory, no? (see previous post re: forwarded rejection)
There's the uncertainty: do you like me? do I like you? do I want to work for you? how much do you want me?
There's the fear of rejection: also self-explanatory - i rarely ever want to check my mail or phone messages these days
There's the phone tag: in this day and age where NO ONE picks up the phone at work, you leave a message, I leave a message, I pray to god that I did not make a mistake and call the wrong firm
There's the etiquette question: I just emailed the firm thanking them for dinner, hoping that I'll hear from them and see them again. now are they going to call in 3 days?

the question is: when do we commit? perhaps I'm jumping the gun. I'm still waiting for a second date.

*sigh* - as is life isn't complicated enough

glutton for punishment

2005-09-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

So for as long as I have known myself (and that's a pretty long time), I have pretty much always wanted to work in public interest. And NOW, something has happened. I've turned into a corporate rat wannabe. and subjecting myself to rejection. I've decided that I am an ass. If I were my friend, I would tell myself that I am an ass. and these law firms are totally sketch. I was talking to a lawyer at one firm, and he told me that he practices environmental and aboriginal law, which i thought was totally cool. Then he tells me that his clients want to do two things: cut down trees and pay someone to do it. so his job is to find out which aboriginal group he has to pay to cut down trees. I was shocked (although my face still had a smile plastered on it). I mean, he basically told me that his job is to facilitate the desecration of the environment by paying someone off to shut up about it. I am completely horrified that these people exist, and I don't even care about the environment! and then I'm hearing about people getting rejected via PHONE! I'm now scared to answer my phone AND check my mail. everytime I get a letter, I freak out - but so far, they have all been confirmations. It's like they're toying with us. If we don't die of a heart attack, then maybe they'll interview us.

on another note, I receieved my first Vancouver PFO (Please Fuck Off) yesterday from a firm, who COULDN'T EVEN BOTHER to send me a letter. No. the rejection was done via a FORWARDED email! she couldn't even bother to copy and paste! I was so offended (not by the rejection, but by the method). I made the effort to print out my stuff on nice paper, mail it to you and even printed out a label for the envelope! The least you could do is reject me with a piece of paper so I can crumble it up and throw it at you (or at something - don't want to burn any bridges). *sigh* they obviously don't know that I'm vintage YSL. where were they when the press release came out????

AND! my hair is so long now that i can't see through my bangs (aka fringe for you UK readers out there) so I have a clip holding them back. This not only accentuates the fact that I have no forehead, but now my forehead also feels cold. ugh.

PFO Count:
Vancouver: 1
Toronto: 6
Outstanding: 22

Listening to: Tribe called Quest: Can I Kick it?

Did you know...

2005-09-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

that every time you hold my hand, i get little flutters that ripple through my entire body?

great east coasters

2005-08-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

So i'm in new york city visiting friends and my cousin, after a quick whistle stop trip to toronto. Had a blast at home with the family, and even went golfing with my sister's kids. a couple of revelations while there:

vivian: look! a cow!
me: i love cows. my friend susanne grew up with a cow. it apparently drank beer. It's great! She "had a cow."
mom: when i was growing up, we had 20 cows. we used them for ploughing, and we used to ride them.
garrick: WOW! my grandma knows how to ride a cow!
meredith: how do you ride a cow? did it like it?
mom: yeah. they were happy!
viv: so you grew up riding happy cows?

later on that day...

me: natalie, how old are you now?
nat: 4
me: wow. how did you get so big
she looks at me very matter of factly
nat: i drink a lot of milk
me: (suppressing a laugh) oh, i see
nat: oh! and I eat stuff too!
me: what do you like to eat? what's your favourite?
nat: um.....bar-b-q chicken.

that was toronto. now i'm in new york, staying in SoHo with my cousin. amazing location. I have been hanging out with my good friend anne who i met in first year at western. i'm actually writing this at the New School library where she is a student. it's been fun. yesterday we hung out in the east village and had some really good and cheap indian food, and then went back to hers in brooklyn (park slope) and made dinner, and her fiance and her proceeded to explain to me the difference between phenomenologism and existentialism (very different), compared to classical greek understandings of man. and Anne has found the solution to finding a job:

Me: so you have to take a language for your degree, yes?
anne: yeah, we both took french last year. But I'm thinking about taking ancient greek because it will get me a job.
me: sorry, did you just say that knowing ancient greek will get you a job??? i don't think i've EVER heard anyone say that.

these philosophers...geez...

am headed to magnolia bakery in the west village and then the met and the park this afternoon, and then meeting with Henry tomorrow! YAY! i've realized that I need to find a way to keep an apartment here. *sigh* one day.

I'm a vintage YSL dress!!!!

2005-08-18T01:16:00.000-07:00

There are times in life when i think everything just sucks and descend into that evil circle of self-doubt. and that's when i realize that I have some of the best people in the world in my life. there's adam, who took it upon himself to distract me with getting lost in stanley park and today, a swim and taking out some agression on some small white balls, followed by sushi and brandy. and there's shu and ro who have listened for hours upon hours about my neurotic worries and concerns; teaching me to let go and to trust. and then there's shay, who just totally made my day due to this exchange:

cat: I don't know sharon, i think i'm great but maybe I'm just not that great.
shay: of course you are! you can't let someone determine your worth.
cat: no seriously, i mean, x is a pretty level headed person. if they don't think i'm great, then maybe i'm not
shay: ok. remember when you were in high school and you had the hair flip which you thought was totally cool and the cheap but trendy clothes that made you fit in, but in hindsight just made you look like everyone else and was actually worn in really bad taste?
cat: unfortunately, I do
shay: and then one day you saw that prada dress? that perfect dress. and you wanted it soooo badly. but part of you was scared because it was so beautiful, and part of you felt like you didn't deserve it? and basically you just didn't know what to do with it because you were so young and naive?
cat: hell yeah.
shay: well, that's exactly what's going on here
cat: what the hell are you talking about?
shay: You're the prada dress!!!!!! and x needs to learn how to appreciate it!

adam and I were talking about it afterwards, and I think that I'm more like a vintage yves st. laurent dress. I'm definitely vintage: classy, timeless, appreciate with age. and as shu pointed out, YSL goes SO MUCH FURTHER than Prada. she concurs - I'm DEFINITELY vintage YSL. and she would know. she's my fearless leader.

yes, i know, I have the best friends in the world.

Oh and shu? HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! i'm cookin' next time i'm in london :)

mood: going on up
listening to: Lou Reed - talk a walk on the wild side

i think i get it.

2005-08-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

I think she is me, circa 2003. i think i get it now. doesn't necessarily bode well, but hey, getting there, getting there...

in other news, my job is over and I don't know what to do with myself (other than sit on my couch reading the paper and debating what colour to paint my apartment). My parents have been bugging my incessantly about going home prior to new york, but for some reason, as much as that appeals to me (I do love my family), the thought makes me feel anxious and rushed. I am NOT mentally prepared to be away for 2 weeks or to stop over in Toronto. Not a big deal, i know, but for some reason, I have this mental block. And it's not like I have a lot to do in vancouver (aside from certain wooing activities, but then again, i think a break would do us both good)...more like I need time to figure out my head. Of course, going away would solve all my issues of having nothing to do. I'm suffering from lethargy-activity disease: I get up and read the paper with my coffee and then just hang out puttering around. then I feel guilty about doing nothing productive, so I look at my list of "things to do". when I finally decide on something, I'm so lethargic that I can't bear the thought of doing something. THe only thing I've really kept up with are my yoga classes, but of course, I go on and injure my hamstring. *sigh*

ok. i'll post a happier entry next time.

mood: neither here nor there.
listening to: Kinnie Star - Alright

must...stop...procrastinating

2005-08-07T02:27:00.000-07:00

3 days until my contract ends...3 days until this is over...as much as I have enjoyed my job, I can't wait until I can chill at the beach and catch a sunset. I'm sitting here trying to write my final report - a 20 page manifesto of what I have read the past month and my thoughts on it. But what to make of language like "we are seeing the incipient formation of a type of authority and state practice that entails a partial denationalizing of what had been constructed historically as national." WTF??? and they say saskia sassen is a genius. Perhaps it just takes language that no one understands to be called as such. moan moan moan

OH! Trainspotting was on tv earlier. It reminds me of my "trainspotting dream" I once had when I was in trainspotting (hence why it's called my "trainspotting dream"). Anyway, in my dream, mark (ewan), sick boy (so hot), and I are in that room shooting up. and as I enter my supposed "high", george clooney comes in. And I have this amazing scottish accent, in which I'm cursing like there's no tomorrow, and everytime I say "fuck", it sounds like "fook" and george is there and IT IS ALL GOOD. and then I woke up.

post-teenage angst

2005-07-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

For some naive reason, I always thought that all those silly things like crushes and being afraid to tell someone how you feel ended with being a teenager. I was so wrong. It gets harder... I find myself getting more guarded, more scared, more cautious. What is it about us that makes it so hard to be vulnerable to others? What gives us that fear? Rejection, of course, royally sucks. But why this fear of rejection? rationally, we tell ourselves: i would never want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I don't think my heart necessarily agrees yet. and so I sit here, thinking...waiting...debating...should i tell you? you have unknowingly broken through the barriers...and now, will you take care?

Feeling: dramatic
listening to: Serena Ryder - Hiding Place

sitting waiting wishing...

2005-07-28T20:47:00.000-07:00

I'm obviously rather bored. so I did an online personality quiz...

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

philosophical questions

2005-07-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

Kameko: and....yeah...
Catherine: ok...moving on then - so who else thinks that smurfette was a slut?
Susanne: Wasn't someone telling me about having a toy of smurfette holding a baby smurf?
Catherine: Yup, that was me
Kameko: I thought smurfs were asexual
Catherine: Not if there was a smurfette
Susanne: yeah
Kameko: so you think smurfette had it going on?
Catherine: well that would make sense, no? if she had a kid?
Susanne: I guess that's one of those great questions that we'll just never know the answer to.

Mood: unfocused, yet happy
listening to: The Cure - Close to Me

torn

2005-07-25T01:14:00.000-07:00

you're in my thoughts, my dreams. I sit here replaying our conversations and wondering if you're thinking of me. how do you feel? what do you want? We talk, we laugh, overdosing on coffee, moving easily from serious to silly. i steal glances at you. do you feel them? are you doing the same? I silently debate in my head whether or not to voice the range of emotions going through me while we chat. should i say something? do you want to hear what i have to say? feel what i feel? it is so different, and yet so comfortable. i don't know what i want. but i keep thinking of you.

I am an...

2005-07-06T16:55:00.000-07:00

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

That's right people. oh yeah. i rock.

wordsmith?

2005-07-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

I've been called a lot of things in my life, but never really a wordsmith. so why now, you ask? well well well, dear reader. there are a plethora of reasons. Among them include: boredom, a need to connect to someone out there, to reveal my inner child, and basically, to vent. there is a way in which the anonymity of blogging, knowing that these words are out there somewhere that gives me some feeling of satisfaction. that although I may not be a teacher or a parent, I still have the opportunity to warp young minds. it also allows the exhibitionist in me to come out. plus, this is a good replacement for my missives of the "observations" series. ok ok fine. i just wanna shoot my mouth off.

mood: restless
listening to: sitting waiting wishing - Jack Johnson